second day - success [Tuesday September 26th, 2006 at 5:55pm] [ music | dark of the matinee - franz ferdinand ] So yesterday it was crap. The starvation was perfect, but all the rest was plain crap. But the delicious thing about it, is: bad days actually fill me with strenght. So today I came downstairs, had a cup of coffee with sweetners, started working on my website and the time just passed. I didn't feel hungry AT ALL and that's quite remarkable. It's been ages since I last had this feeling of being so interested in other things that food simply wasn't a priority. Ok, I've always managed to entertain myself out of the fridge for some good hours - but not two entire days. Not after 1998. I was planning to have some tuna and tomato for dinner, but I didn't like the fact that I was actually planning to eat. It made me feel like I was consciously planning some sort of "little failure". What the hell? NO. No food for you today, little darling. Just have a big cup of coke light lemon with ice cubes and go to bed dreaming that tomorrow you'll be even lighter. I feel so happy, so in control. Just two days ago my world was colapsing and now I feel like I can drive my destiny wherever I want. I can be who I want, achieve what I want. That's a fabulous feeling. I suggest to anyone who thinks it's not possible to give it a try. You can. At the end of the first day you'll feel stronger. Now to celebrate, I will have a long, hot bubble bath, enjoy my yummy moisturizers and little girlie creams and go to bed in my favorite satin blue nightie. I will feel gorgeous because that's exactly what I'll be. My Goddess: As for the other journal... Not sure if I'll keep it. People got me extremely pissed off there, friends have let me down. I think I've found my perfect hideaway. 0 reply edit save

first day. [Monday September 25th, 2006 at 10:12pm] [ mood | not hungry ] [ music | moonlight shadow- mike oldfield ] Intake? Absolutely nothing. Ok, what a cheap liar I am. I ate, yes - five raisins and about 20ml of milk with my coffee this evening (no sugar of course). I guess it does not even make 50 calories, so I think I can call this day as NO FOOD. I am happy. But I cannot say I feel 100% happy because what leads me to this is not a happy thing. It is a lifetime of deep, hurtful and constant unhapiness. I am not fat enough to make people look at me in the streets and think, "jesus, that's gross", but it doesn't really make any difference. I never really made a difference. I never felt truly loved, truly admired, truly in CONTROL of my life. I am not a compulsive eater anymore. I'm very happy I won my hungry demons. But even recently with only 800 calories a day, nothing was happening. The weight wouldn't go away. Mainly because I HATE exercise. It makes me stink. It makes my hair look gross. I even bought this treadmill, spent 300 pounds that I could have used to have fun or buy me something beautiful, and now I look at it and feel like a failure. Not because I can't bring myself to exercise. But because I know it isn't taking me anywhere. I need to live. I'm getting old, my time on earth is passing me by and I'm still not living because there is NO LIFE inside this shell. Time to live. 0 reply edit save

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]